This has potential to be an angsty, jumbled post. But I feel the need to write, so write I shall. It’s not about anything specific, just thoughts I’ve had swimming around in my mind this week.
Memories are a tricky thing. Both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes the memories you want to hold on to the most seem to wisp away, and the memories you want to lose forever seem to throw themselves against you every chance they get. Those can be annoying, exhausting, painful, stupid, pointless, frustrating – all things you would rather not have to deal with in life. Or they can be wonderful, they can make you laugh out loud in a silent room because you remembered something, they can make you smile when you are down, they can help you remember why you went through something and why you are better because of that experience.
I think one of the main ways the devil attacks me is by throwing old, unwanted memories into my mind when I least expect it. He’ll use things from as far back as middle school. I already have an amazing memory; I was dubbed Memory Girl by my friend Bek, but sometimes being Memory Girl sucks. The devil knows this. The devil uses this. He knows that memories and words can influence how I feel. He likes when I hurt. He likes it when my heart throbs painfully. He likes it when self doubt creeps in to my thoughts. He likes that I feel weak and embarrassed because it’s hard to forget sometimes. He knows I tend to associate places with memories and sometimes those places can feel tainted because of the memories. It’s hard when a good memory becomes painful because the person or place or thing associated with it has left a bad taste in your mouth. Which then makes me feel absolutely dumb because really, nothing should have that much influence over how you feel about something. But I can’t help it sometimes. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I feel like breaking sometimes.
But I have a hero who will fight for me when the not so great memories threaten to break me down. I have called upon my hero so many times I sometimes fear I am annoying to Him. But every time I need Him, He is there to throw a shield up around my mind and I feel like He sets up angels to aide and protect me. He never fails me. Never.
And so I know the devil and his unwanted memories won’t drag me down for long. I know I will be rescued by my Savior. I know that sometimes bad memories turn into memories that don’t sting anymore. That sometimes you can look back on annoying and frustrating times and see the good from them when in the moment it all seemed hopeless, that sometimes memories of betrayal and hurt really do fade away and are lost forever, and that places that felt “tainted” go back to being just places.
I also know that because my Savior loves me more that I deserve, I will be okay. I know that I am a princess in His kingdom and His plan for me is more than I can imagine. I know that the angst and worry and the sadness I feel will pass. Because clearly things that can drag me down are not God’s best for me. I deserve better and every time I cry out to my Lord, he shows me that. He holds me together. He has placed wonderful friends and family in my life who love and support me though everything. And He gave me my equine soul mate. I am unbelievably blessed. Unbelievably lucky.
So thank you Father. Thank you for protecting me, for loving me, for blessing me in more ways than I can imagine. Thank you for fighting for me and soothing my fears away. Thank you for understanding everything we go through because you were human and felt these crazy emotions too. Thank you, thank you, thank you.